Depression has no cure. At least for me it doesn’t. I realized this at a very young age—11 to be specific. I went into countless therapist offices and tried different medications the way any other normal 11 year old would try candy at a candy store. Talking about my problems seemed uncomfortable and unnecessary. I learned how to work my mom and my therapist by seeing through the ruse. I went home, still depressed. Soon, I realized that depression doesn't consume my entire life. I realized that I would have bad days and want to cry all the time and listen to angry Alanis anthems while writing in my journal like a premature mad-woman, but I would also have good days that were filled with optimism, light and love. I learned to live within the confines of depression. I could be happy without feeling guilty about it because depression ebbs into your life as quickly as it can recede.
Just the other day, I was sitting across from my friend. “You seem been so depressed and sad lately. Everyone else agrees. I hope you understand,” she told me with furrowed brows in an attempt to exhibit empathy. I replied hastily, “Well, I am,” her jaw dropped, “but I am also, happy, grateful, anxious, and wonderfully peaceful." Everyone experiences depression at some point in their lives. I'm experiencing right now because taking the next step from this chapter of my life into the next is daunting to say the least. I'm also so grateful that I have this time to find my footing and to feel safe while doing so. You don't cure depression, you don't conquer it, you live with it. I don't fear how I am or how I feel when it hits. I just deal with it and let the world happen to me. I feel a lot, but I also have a very thick skin that stems from self-assuredness. This was when I realized that depression is a seriously misunderstood illness, which most people think as a taboo topic. Not enough people are open about depression. We are so quick to dull its affects because we are embarrassed about how we feel. Now, I completely understand the need for medication while you are learning about the disease. It’s also important to remember that you cannot live your whole life on anti-depressants. You have to learn to live with yourself, and that means you have to love yourself.
I don’t believe that Paxil, Prozac, abundant exercise, or a few handfuls of vegetables everyday can make you happy. What’s to gain from being happy all the time? We would not know these other sides of ourselves if all we knew what happiness. How boring! We wouldn't know what strength breeds from pulling yourself out of a depression rut and learning from it. Balance. Get to know yourself and love yourself along with all of the sad, angry, happy, wonderfully alive parts that make you who you are. Do something with your hands. Go plant a small garden, paint a picture, pick up an instrument or type away at that story in your head. Do something when you feel the pressure of depression rolling in and don’t give yourself the chance to let the clouds in. Never apologize or feel bad about any part of who you are. Feel the world happening around you. It will get better, I promise. Work on loving yourself in spite of the hurt and pain you feel at times. There's so much to realize. And always, if you are feeling like nothing will help, then contact a hotline and talk to someone. There are many (free) outlets to help you. Such as this hotline or this one. I know how serious depression can be, so please do not be afraid to talk about how you feel. Do not think that you are alone because everyone else is too afraid or to apathetic to talk about it with you. You are not alone.
No comments:
Post a Comment