Early Summer

El Niño has kept the Southwest pretty toasty all winter. I'm looking out my window at a cloudless 90-degree sky and daydreaming about flouncy dresses in fields of wildflowers. 

slip dress: chloe

swimsuit: she made me

belt: nasty gal

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There is no cure

Depression has no cure. At least for me it doesn’t. I realized this at a very young age—11 to be specific. I went into countless therapist offices and tried different medications the way any other normal 11 year old would try candy at a candy store. Talking about my problems seemed uncomfortable and unnecessary. I learned how to work my mom and my therapist by seeing through the ruse. I went home, still depressed. Soon, I realized that depression doesn't consume my entire life. I realized that I would have bad days and want to cry all the time and listen to angry Alanis anthems while writing in my journal like a premature mad-woman, but I would also have good days that were filled with optimism, light and love. I learned to live within the confines of depression. I could be happy without feeling guilty about it because depression ebbs into your life as quickly as it can recede. 

Just the other day, I was sitting across from my friend.  “You seem been so depressed and sad lately. Everyone else agrees. I hope you understand,” she told me with furrowed brows in an attempt to exhibit empathy.  I replied hastily, “Well, I am,” her jaw dropped, “but I am also, happy, grateful, anxious, and wonderfully peaceful." Everyone experiences depression at some point in their lives. I'm experiencing right now because taking the next step from this chapter of my life into the next is daunting to say the least. I'm also so grateful that I have this time to find my footing and to feel safe while doing so. You don't cure depression, you don't conquer it, you live with it. I don't fear how I am or how I feel when it hits. I just deal with it and let the world happen to me. I feel a lot, but I also have a very thick skin that stems from self-assuredness. This was when I realized that depression is a seriously misunderstood illness, which most people think as a taboo topic. Not enough people are open about depression. We are so quick to dull its affects because we are embarrassed about how we feel. Now, I completely understand the need for medication while you are learning about the disease. It’s also important to remember that you cannot live your whole life on anti-depressants. You have to learn to live with yourself, and that means you have to love yourself.

I don’t believe that Paxil, Prozac, abundant exercise, or a few handfuls of vegetables everyday can make you happy. What’s to gain from being happy all the time? We would not know these other sides of ourselves if all we knew what happiness. How boring! We wouldn't know what strength breeds from pulling yourself out of a depression rut and learning from it. Balance. Get to know yourself and love yourself along with all of the sad, angry, happy, wonderfully alive parts that make you who you are. Do something with your hands. Go plant a small garden, paint a picture, pick up an instrument or type away at that story in your head. Do something when you feel the pressure of depression rolling in and don’t give yourself the chance to let the clouds in. Never apologize or feel bad about any part of who you are. Feel the world happening around you. It will get better, I promise. Work on loving yourself in spite of the hurt and pain you feel at times. There's so much to realize. And always, if you are feeling like nothing will help, then contact a hotline and talk to someone. There are many (free) outlets to help you. Such as this hotline or this one. I know how serious depression can be, so please do not be afraid to talk about how you feel. Do not think that you are alone because everyone else is too afraid or to apathetic to talk about it with you. You are not alone.

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She dreamed of paradise

I didn't know what I'd expect from Turks and Caicos. I knew there's be turquoise water and reggae music. What I didn't know was how soft the sand would feel beneath my feet or how warm the ocean water was at 1 am. I was surrounded by friends, family, humidity, and Miami Vices. 

Is parasailing overpriced? Yes, yes it is. Is fulfilling your dream to parasail over blue waters like they did in the beginning of Jurassic Park: The Lost World worth $80? Absolutely. You just have to pretend that the stingrays in the water are Mosasaurs.

The girlz. Well, some of us.

Apparently I like to take pictures of trees in the sky. We all went to get tacos at a nice restaurant for our last night on the island. The ocean was rolling in the background as a girl with her guitar sang on stage with a voice like honey. I took in the music, the ocean, the sound of my friends chatting around the table, the warmth of the sun still humming beneath my skin, and the lightness in my head from my happy hour drink. Life was good.

A sunset picture with KK before our food arrived.

The boyz. Note my brother (on the very far right) looking entirely unamused.

Shameless last night in Turks and Caicos selfie.

I don't know what I expected, but somehow I got so much more out of my time on this abnormally blue island than I could've ever imagined.

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A Californian 4th of July

I have returned (again) from a short trip to California. This time I was a bit more south. I thought I'd show you some highlights instead of writing about it. Enjoy! Don't forget to comment and subscribe. Let me know what kind of content you'd like to see on my channel in the future. 

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What I Read in June

The Happiness Hypothesis

“Animals that fly seem to violate the laws of physics, but only until you learn a bit more about physics.”

I have an affinity for philosophy and psychology books. I find them intriguing and haunting, but in a good way. Some ideas I don’t understand, but I like to pretend that I do in order to seem slightly better than my peers. JOKES. The Happiness Hypothesis breaks both subjects down in addition to relating them to spiritual (Buddhism, Daoism, Christianity…etc). I know this isn’t everyones’ forte, but go into it with an open mind. Every page requires informs you on something both scientific and philosophical. Download the free preview on iBooks and give it a go.

Where'd You Go, Bernadette

 “’Can you believe the weather?’

‘Actually, I CAN believe the weather. What I can't believe is that I'm actually having a conversation about the weather.’”

I know, I know, I’m late on the Where’d You Go, Bernadette bandwagon that took off last summer. I’m not usually one for epistolary novels, but this book is magnificent and hilarious. It’s like hearing gossip in high school about that ambiguous cool-kid group, but now you know everything that they don’t. I think I just described the entire 6 seasons of Gossip Girl.

Paper towns

“It is so hard to leave—until you leave. And then it is the easiest goddamned thing in the world.”

And yet another bandwagon book…this time it is more embarrassing because it’s of the young adult genre. Can I live? After reading nothing but Bronte, Poe, and Austen (etc) for the longest time, I will proudly say that I enjoyed reading a young adult novel and I am not ashamed. Oh and I will be seeing the Paper Towns move the day it comes out. 100%.

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Ooh California

I just got back from California this week and have already started to make arrangements to buy a house in Malibu with the 6 million dollars that I don't have. Someone want to be my roomie in a bungalow near Malibu Canyon? We can listen to Lana Del Rey whilst driving down the PCH. We'll wear clothes from vintage shops and Brandy Melville. Everyday will be like a Free People ad.

These were taken on an early and foggy morning whilst I was frolicking (read: sleepily walking) through the canyon. West Coast=great hiking trails. Like, the best. 

**Obligatory Tumblr-esque picture in hopes of being Tumblr famous.**
 Lemonade is an incredibly delicious cafe with yummy and healthy food. That's what I told myself as I inhaled a lemon shortbread cookie. I chose to get a massive glass of lemonade because I was feeling meta. They have various flavors. Pictured above is pineapple coriander. So good!! 

A lot of this happened because what else are you supposed to do in 70-degree costal weather?

Until next time, Malibu. I'll wait within the confines of Joni Mitchell's California. 

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